Since time immemorial humans have sought out altered states of consciousness in the pursuit of divination and recreation. And the primordial roots of Celine Dioning stem from that very past, spawned in the shrouded dawn of humanity itself. Present day enactments of the timeworn tradition are anachronistic at best; today the ritual is honored chiefly by urchins, occultists, English teachers, junkies, and scattered miscreants living on society’s tattered fringes. It is a ritual of shame and thaumaturgy, unfit for the light of day, for indeed it is a nocturnal habit. And yet, continued study of its inscrutable meaning helps to elucidate the realities of bygone eras, and in so doing we may confidently add yet another patch to the elaborate quilt of human history. When we ask where Celine Dioning came from, we are truly asking who we ourselves once were.
The ceremony typically begins when a congregation of devotees decides to procure a concoction of fermented grain mash made from barley, rye, wheat, or corn. Whereas most spiritual orders require observers to sacrifice substantial material wealth through homage or penance, Celine Dioning involves the inverse. Worshippers are expected to expend as little coinage as possible in obtaining the bitter brown liquid, which is sheathed in a glass vial or tube. A Coca Cola is often bought on the side.
With mysterious brown potion in hand, the procession of devotees will relocate to a moist and secluded grotto with dripping stalactites and a slight echo. This can be substituted in urban settings for a cramped chasm between buildings. Gentle septic leakage from above will be met with auspicious applause, and a maiden of the congregation may even dance beneath said dripping to heighten her connection with the divine.
A semi-circle will then form and the alpha male will recite a simple mantra, repeatedly chanting “yoh-loh” while slurping the contents of the potion. Additional shamans and conjurers will join in afterwards, chiming their own versions of “yoh-loh” while swigging the beverage. Despite the tonic’s offensive stench, participants are commanded to hide overt expressions of disgust. Any indication of distaste on an individual’s face will bring ridicule or exile upon them. The bottle is then passed in rotation until its contents are completely spilled into the bowels of the now-frenzied revelers.
The potion rapidly takes effect. Imbibers reportedly experience a brief stint of euphoria, followed by a sensation of intense numbness, which inevitably deteriorates into a period of chaotic darkness. Participants express great difficulty in recalling the events that transpire in this latter period of the ritual, primitively referring to it as the time of “black out.” They believe that the lapse in memory signifies the soul’s transcendence into an alternate paradigm of existence, where, among other things, club music sounds significantly more appealing.
Herein participant’s testimonials become hazy and enormously convoluted. Phenomena occurring within the realm of “black out” become impossible to recall, thusly relegating the act of academic observation into mere speculation. What can be deduced, most credibly, is that Celine Dioning brings about highly dysfunctional behavior in all its followers. One cursory account reads:
“The time reads 1:14 AM. She is sitting on top of a table crying. When asked why, she laughs for seven consecutive minutes. Mutters something about ‘so much love’ – disappears into thick crowd of dancers.
Laughing crying girl’s cohort remains outside – passing cigarette around. Cohort begins imitating linguistic inflections of England, Australia, Russia, respectively. Begin hopping up and down uncontrollably, strange noises [omitted].
Inside. Wild, sexually aggressive dancing. Routine switching of mating pairs. Very routine – once crying girl, then laughing girl, now bemused girl, raises expensive decanter of alcohol into air. Proclaims she found it. Small man grabs and inhales contents; without speaking, bemused girl and small man devour what remains of it. Small man, bemused girl, tall man, flail wildly. Indecipherable shrieking.
Authority figure clasps bemused girl’s shoulder. Secondary authority figure gains possession of small man. Additional authority figures materialize in crowd – proceed to swarm small man and bemused girl from all angles. Small man and bemused girl loudly accused of pilfering previous bottle of precious alcohol. Crowd yells – thief – thief – individuals in black shirts under the employ of the dancing establishment grab bemused, now shocked girl, by the hair. Small man dragged by shirt collar. Crowd parts – the accused now dragged outside to the uneven sidewalk. Man in black shirt throws small man into air.
Small man bounces, lands on asphalt driveway, stands up – dazed. Girl similarly launched from club premises. Mysterious ogre-like character charges from crowd and kicks small man in head, delivering secondary kick to crying-laughing-shocked girl. Contact lenses and nose ring consequently ejected from crying-laughing-shocked girl’s head. Onlooker asks small man if he’s okay. Small man asks what onlooker is talking about, seemingly unaware that a shoe struck his face just seconds prior. Barrage of threats ensue. Small man yells hateful things to no one in particular.
Tall man escorts contact lenseless girl to home, en route acquiring larger water bottle from convenience store. Outside, there are five uniformed police officers. Tall man recounts tale of assault to police; crying-laughing-shocked, now despondent girl interrupts, proclaiming she can’t see anything. Yes. Tall man confirms despondent girl’s contact lenses were lost in the brawl. Despondent girl throws water bottle at police officers; fortunately, girl is inebriated. Water bottle misses police officers. Tall man apologizes on despondent girl’s behalf; despondent girl tells police officers she hates them, on her own behalf. Despondent, increasingly belligerent girl is hauled back to hotel before she comes becomes incarcerated girl.
In hotel, night’s revelers reconvene on hallway carpet. Small man suggests tactical operation to destroy club-venue’s windows. No. Destroy club-venue’s entire operation. Small man’s tactics wholly ignored; bed time announced – congregation dismissed.”